I have been debating about writing this for a few months. I finally decided that I wanted other ladies who have been through this to be able to talk openly about what they went through. I found that more women have gone through this than I had realized and somehow that made me feel a little better… a tiny bit.
This pregnancy was planned. I have been wanting another child since TJ was born! I was really close in ages with my brother and sister (my sister and I are 13 months apart and my brother and I are 19 months). Before I first laid eyes on TJ, I knew I wanted to give him a brother or a sister.
My Positive Pregnancy Test 7/1/11
I got pregnant in June. I found out on July 1st. I was so excited. I felt great and couldn’t wait to tell my husband. I dressed TJ up in a “Big Brother” t-shirt and waited for him to come home. It took him a second to figure it out, but when he did he was excited too. Our excitement lasted about 10 days. Then I started bleeding.
It happened on a Sunday, right after I got back from the grocery store. I had my first prenatal appointment the next day and I was looking forward to it. I had been feeling “funny”. I don’t know how else to describe it. Something was just off. I started spotting and then it increasingly got a little worse. I was told by the doctor to stay in bed and come in first thing in the morning.
At the doctor’s office I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. I was devastated. I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant at the time. They took blood to make sure that my levels were going back down. The next day the doctor called to confirm that I was actually having a miscarriage.
The days that followed were a blur. While I only knew I was pregnant for 10 days, I still felt like I lost a child. I felt broken and that I did something to deserve this. It was one of the worst things that had happened to me thus far in my life. I searched the Internet for stories of how other women dealt with the loss. I was lost and searching for anything to make me feel better. I read a lot of stories and cried a lot of tears.
I don’t know how I dealt with my miscarriage. I actually think that because I got pregnant again so quickly that I haven’t really dealt with my feelings. I can tell you that I have been an absolute mess with this pregnancy… waiting for something bad to happen again. I started spotting a little at the beginning of this pregnancy and thought the worst. My hormone levels were very low, so I didn’t have a lot of hope. Well, here I sit 21 weeks pregnant with a little girl.
Recently a friend of mine went through a similar experience. I found myself at a loss for words to make her feel better. She told me that talking about it, openly, to someone who had been through it made her feel a lot better. I hope that if you are reading this and are dealing with the same loss that you can realize that nothing you did made this happen. It is unexplainable and hurts extremely bad, but it isn’t anyone’s fault. It doesn’t mean you are broken. It doesn’t mean you failed. It is just something horrible that happens to too many of us.
Belinda says
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I just had my 3rd miscarriage 3 days after Thanksgiving. It was just as heartbreaking as the first. My first 2 were back to back between my 2nd and 3 rd sons( we have been blessed with 5). Like you, I felt something was off this last time. My husband kept trying to reassure me everything was fine but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I started bleeding at 5 weeks 2 days. From the moment you see that positive test, it’s your baby. You start dreaming about names and what he/she will look like. It doesn’t matter how far along you are, it’s the loss of a child. All my hopes and dreams for that baby were gone in an instant. I completely understand your fear during your current pregnancy. I was a complete wreck when I was pregnant with my third son.
Honestly, the only thing that got me through those first months was God. I remember getting on my knees one day and praying for God’s peace. I asked Him to just help me enjoy my baby for how ever long I had it. Thankfully, my son was born full term and healthy, as were my next two. I read a little mantra that helped me get through each day. “Today I am pregnant and I love my baby”. When the fear started to take over, I just repeated that to myself.
It truly does help to talk to other women who have gone through the same thing. No one can truly understand unless they’ve been there. Unfortunately one of my best friends lost a baby a month before me at 13 weeks. Little did I know that as I cried with her and my heart broke for her, she’d return the favor soon. She actually sent me a link to a song on youtube just yesterday. It was very moving. http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DGCyqhi55O-8&h=tAQHpKylAAQF_slRUwjh4e7hhEtYI9H3VhNpvo4DUKFqhIg
I will never forget my sweet babies and I think about them all the time. It brings such comfort to know that I WILL see them again one day. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for letting others know they are not alone!
Mom says
Belinda,
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I have tears in my eyes right now! I am going to check out that song!
Jenn @therebelchick says
I am so sorry, honey. *hugs* I got pregnant in 2006 and found out I was pregnant actually because I was having a miscarriage and was in so much pain. Even though I only knew I was pregnant for about 24 hours before I lost the baby, it still devastated me. Talking about it does help. I hope that this helped you.
Mom says
Thank you Jenn! I am so sorry for your loss as well. I am already feeling a little better having posted this.
Jen-Eighty MPH Mom says
I am so sorry for your loss…I can’t even imagine how that would feel. HUGS
Karen says
Both of my daughters lost babies in March last year. We all cried so much. My older daughter took it really hard, and was a mental and emotional wreck in November, when her baby would have been born. As the mother of these women, I just tried to be there for them and listen when they needed me to.
Mom says
I can’t imagine how hard that would be to watch your children go through that. Thank you for sharing!
Candace says
its so hard to lose a pregnancy. I lost 2 of them and they were both early but now that I look back I had to go through it, because I wouldn’t have my 8 year old daughter now. Its weird to think of it that way and I will always be sad about what could have been all those years ago..
Mom says
I know what you mean. When I meet my little girl in May I am sure that I will feel a lot better about what happened. I just get sad thinking about what could have been.
Beeb Ashcroft says
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Thanks for sharing your story to support others going through the same thing. Big hugs to you.
Nichol says
I cannot imagine the hurt you must have been feeling. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story to help others who have been through the same.
Shasta says
I’m so sorry for your loss! It’s amazing how moms can love a baby before they ever “know” them! You are a strong woman, and I will be praying for you and your family. (((Hugs)))
Mom says
Thank you Shasta!
Lyn says
Sending {{{HUGS}}} and my prayers that this will be a healthy pregnancy and you’ll be holding a beautiful baby daughter on your due date!
Mom says
Thank you!
dorinda says
kathy, my dear friend from childhood. I am so sorry for your loss and the joy of the new little one. I had suffered 2 misscarages before i had my oldest daughter in 96. I got pregnant almost a month after i misscarried the second time and was scared to death that i was going to do something to lose this one too, but by the grace of god she was a health 9lb 13 oz lil bundle of joy. when she was 2 months old i found out i was pregnant about 6 wks along with my son. They are 11 months to the day apart and he was a high risk also due to my miscarrages and getting pregnant but he too was health 8 ls 13 oz and a month early. I felt that i was to blame for the misscareges i suffered but some one told me that it was my body and gods way of telling me that my body was not ready and a lot of prayer help also. I am the proud momma of 4 children and 3 step-children. I am so happy for you and your family. and I miss yoou dearly
Mom says
Dorinda,
It is so good to hear from you! It has been way to long! Thank you for your story. I didn’t know that you went through that. It is heart breaking and it is good to hear other women’s experiences.
I miss you too!
Karen Propes says
Sorry to hear that, it doesn’t matter how long, the loss is horrible. When I was younger, my Mom carried a baby full term and it had the corn around it’s little neck. I didn’t really understand much then, but when I lost a baby at 6 months, boy did I know. It’s been a long time and I still get sad. God helped me then and I know he will help you get through this. Thank you for writing this, you and your family are in our prayers. Take care.
Jenn says
I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost our baby boy when I was 5 month pregnant. I had to carry him for a couple of days after he passed, then I went into labor and gave birth. Losing that life and hopefulness that you carried is a terrible thing at any month. I wish you peace and happiness. If you are like me, the love for your healthy child will get you through. I use to think that things happen for a reason, and maybe they do, but someone told me while I was recovering that sometimes, bad things just happen to good people. It’s been over five years, and as much as I can still see him, it is some how easier and doesn’t hurt as much. Best to you and your family.
Dawn C says
Hugs! I have had 4 miscarriages. My first baby ended in miscarriage. My third was a tubal that ruptured. It hurts and you wonder what those children would have looked like. But I ended up pregnant again within months of miscarrying 3 of those times and those children after those miscarriages are here today and perfectly healthy.
Jennifer Mercurio says
HUGS. You are so strong for sharing your story. I have been through one miscarriage around 6 weeks as well and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Jennifer @ Mom Spotted says
This whole post makes me so sad. My heart breaks for you all. I have a friend who delivered her stillborn daughter at 25 weeks and she lost a small piece of herself that day. I can’t imagine going through that pain and I’m glad you all have found a way to talk about it.
Toni says
Thisnpost made me tear up. I remember thinking I miscarried my daughter and being beside myself with grief. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope your story touches others as it has me.